This Hilarious Instagrammer Proves Just How Ridiculous Wellness Bloggers Can Be

Greatist
Greatist

We’re all familiar with wellness Instagrammers. They’re the ones making healthy meals that look too delicious to actually be good for you, the ones who somehow find time to work out eight days per week, who never drink alcohol, and who genuinely enjoy eating salads every day (?!?!?).

Well, Edward Lane, a Men’s Health UK editor, is familiar with them too. He created a hilarious parody account, Wellness Ted, to poke fun at the world of influencers on Instagram, which, as he puts it, “takes itself way too f*cking seriously.” If his goal is to make people step back and look more critically at some of the stuff healthy bloggers post, he’s definitely succeeded—just ask his 20K followers.

ABS ARE MADE AT THE WEEKEND // This past few days I’ve been enjoying what I like to call the FUN diet. Seaside trips with my muse @wellness_ed, a blood alcohol level of 69%, finishing off with a gluten-free steak dinner yesterday. All of this has combined to turn my abs from a standard six to an unbelievable eight. Sounds too good to be true, right? Wrong! A study by the University of Nowhere in Nowhereshire found that being happy reduces your levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and cortisol is responsible for fat depositing around your middle and covering your six-pack. So use this news and my rockin’ bod above as motivation to have more fun this week and look better by then end of it. Omg that message is so wellness – I’ve even I impressed myself! Have a great Bank Holiday everyone! 😘

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on May 29, 2017 at 2:13am PDT


TASTE THE RAINBOW // Don’t lose sleep over getting your 5-a-day (or is that 10? Make up your mind, Doc!) instead serve up a healthy balanced meal by using ingredients across a varied colour palette to get the varied vitamin and mineral profile your body craves. Here I’ve cooked up a properly happy meal, working through the spectrum from brown to beige, yellow, orange and even red. The more colour the healthier it is. Now, that’s enough of the boring science! Happy weekend everyone – somebody pass me a yoga mat!! Lol jk. Namaste in bed.

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Apr 8, 2017 at 12:00am PDT

But Wellness Ted isn’t just amazing because it’s hilariously spot-on (the six-pack abs, the novel-length captions detailing the health benefits of each ingredient in a meal), but also because it’s actually making an important point about separating reality from Instagram.

As the boyfriend of an Instagram celeb (he dates Amy Hopkinson), Lane knows what really goes into those perfectly curated blogs. Many of his posts explain what happens behind the scenes, emphasizing that what you see doesn’t always reflect reality.

6PACK SECRETS // While so-called experts would have you believe this kind of transformation takes months I’ve got some good news – it takes 30secs. Sure transformation plans promise better health, but when you’re thirsty for likes, followers and – let’s be honest – your first #spon post, the sooner those abs pop on screen the better. Well, allow me to share the insider secrets I’ve learnt since becoming the ‘grams hot new #microinfluencer (don’t say I’m not good to you 😉). The trick is to spend hours and hours taking selfies, working out the exact angle and filter (Clarendon, duh!) that best defines your 6-pack. Swap from a T-shirt to sports bra to fool others into thinking you’ve been in the gym. Finally tense so hard that you may or may not fart and take the snap. Post it and watch the praise come in. Because what’s the point getting your body out of strangers on the internet can’t tell you how pretty you look, right? And today I’m feeling pretty! Try it and tag me in so we can all support each other on our own journey.

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Apr 26, 2017 at 12:20am PDT


PROGRESS // On the left – unhealthy. On the right – healthy. At the start of the year I thought the only way to get abs was being restrictive with my diet. Pizza was on the menu – but only in bite size pieces. And, as you can see from the look on my face, I wasn’t happy about it! And then all of a sudden I discovered the WHOLE FOODS DIET. Before that I never knew what whole foods really meant – and then I realised it just meant ALL OF IT. And I’ve not looked back since. For months I’d been enviously scrolling Instagram seeing lean influencers photographing and talking about all the amazing treats they squeeze into their nutrition plans – doughnuts, popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, chocolate AND peanut butter – while still looking fantastic. Initially I thought they were all a bunch of phoney liars. Taking a picture of doughy goodness before turning to a plate of leaves. But now I know that, contrary to some people’s concerns, everything you see on social media is genuine and real *breathes sigh of relief* And it turns out there’s some science behind it too. Research conducted by the esteemed Dr Oetker – an expert in the field – found that refusing to slice up your pizza and eating it whole means your body has to work harder to break it down. This slowing of digestion prevents the insulin spikes associated with weight gain and helps you to feel fuller for longer, preventing snacking. Now that’s what I call an upper crust health tip! Lunch, anyone?

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Jun 22, 2017 at 5:16am PDT

Even though we love that wellness bloggers motivate us to do all those healthy things we’re tempted to avoid, it’s refreshing to have someone like Wellness Ted in our feed to remind us life’s not all about abs and macronutrients. Sometimes it’s about putting on comfy athleisure and having a few beers.

This article was written by Susan Kaufman from Greatist and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@newscred.com.